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1. 

   carwashbeth

   101 Kudos

   05/03/09

   Hi, I was just googling because of a problem I am going through in my life and came across your post, which is exactly the situation I am in. My boyfriend wants to break up because I never want to have children. Well I am in the limbo stage you described. He doesn't WANT to break up with me and I don't want that either, so we are still living together and in limbo. He said he would move out but doesn't want to go. I feel so sad all the time even though we are still together to all intents and purposes, because I know we don't want the same thing. God, how did you cope with it in the end. I couldn't cope anymore more I said he could move out of our flat when he is ready, but I will stay here for a few more months as I'm not ready to move out (still paying all the rent, argh). But as of yet he still hasn't moved out. I had to go to his cousin's weddings of all things yesterday and I just felt like my heart would break. I hope things have wokred out for you. Sorry to write you an essay, but your post was just exactly like what I'm feeling right now.
   

   05/04/09

   Reply from Awkwardsquaddie:

   Hi Beth,
   
   I know exactly how you feel. Its awful, however, it gets better. It sounds like you have both realised that you are not compatible. As was said to me before, having children is something that isnt compromisable; you either want them or you dont, its that simple. I split with my ex just over two weeks ago. The first week I was very numb and in a state of shock. I was very annoyed as well as I felt I was being dumped for a non existent being and an ideal scenario she had in her head. However, even when annoyed I did realise that my ex couldnt help what she wanted any more than I couldnt help or change what I wanted.
   
   Like you, Im still living with my ex and I will be here until the end of June early July. We own a small 1 bed flat together. She will take over the mortgage. In my case I have found that once it was apparent that the relationship wasnt going to work that it was best to have minimal contact so as to allow for the grieving to begin. Luckily, for me I work a lot of nights at the moment and my ex stays with her friends on the days I have off. I really feel for you having to go to a wedding if you have already broken up. Doing things together will only confuse you and cause hurt.
   
   I do empathise how painful it is breaking up with some one you still love. I really loved my ex a lot and most of the time we got on well. However, during the past year she became more and more obsessed with babies and me getting a "good career" so as to provide security. Looking back now I see there was a lot of nagging all the time but because I loved her I put up with it. Even though its only a few weeks since we split, the rows and nagging that became more frequent towards the end of our relationship (all to do with babies and getting a better job) I now clearly see as something that I would never put up with again.
   
   As was said to me on here if you really dont want kids and he does there is no option but to split. If you have a child that you dont want it will mess up your relationship anyway. The best advice I can give is pull back as much as you can and expedite either you or him moving out as soon as possible. Even though its only been two weeks Im starting to feel a lot better. I have had a few rough days and have been weepy on occasion but underlying all this pain there was a contentment in knowing that I was doing the right thing. I believe that some relationships have a shelf life and that people can often just grow apart.
   
   My split was fairly amicable and there is no hard feelings between me and my ex but I think if we had both stayed in the relationship just for fear of losing each other it would have caused a lot more problems. Both of us saw that and so decided to break up. It was the right decision and although not easy Im glad we decided to do it.
   
   I hope my experience is of some value to you please let me know how you get on and if I can be of any help just send me a message.
   
   regards,
   Andy
   

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